Be Not Afraid

by Paula Sophia Schonauer

Oh God, I want to be so good.

I want to be a vision of purity,

But you see, God, I’m afraid you won’t come near,

Because the world would call me queer

if they knew the secret I’m holding deep down inside.

I try to abide, God.

I try to compensate for the hole I feel

Deep in my soul.

I try to walk on water, Dear God…

Because I want to be perfect,

I want to do all the right things.

God, I work hard,

I stay clean,

I brush my teeth and fix my hair.

I try to always be pleasant

Offering an ever-present smile.

I do what’s expected of me.

I try to walk on water, Dear God…

I sing for you, God,

In the choir,

Lifting my voice higher and higher

Hoping that my songs are twice as nice as ordinary prayers,

That my voice is especially pure

Penetrating the heavens to reach your very own ears,

So that you can hear my pleading

To wipe my tears and calm my fears

By providing some relief, fortifying my belief

With an answered prayer,

God, I don’t want to be queer!

I’m trying to walk on water, Dear God…

I volunteer for you, God.

I joined the Salvation Army where I ring a bell,

And is it true what people say,

That every time a bell rings and angel gets its wings?

Well, I’m ringing my bell trying to

avoid the smoldering smell of hell,

I’m ringing my bell for you, God,

Furiously!

Like a fire alarm.

I am trying to walk on water, Dear God…

I got married, God. I got married, Oh God,

Because I wanted to prove my fidelity,

You know, one flesh, one spirit

Not necessarily for eternity,

But merely, Until Death Do Us Part.

But the days of my life,

A daze, bedazzled and confused.

I really thought I could be happy, God.

But I could feel the squeeze of truth,

The pressure, the cramping, the contracting

Like giving birth,

Pushing me, forcing me to come out!

And now dear God,

I must confess, I Am Queer!

And I don’t feel blessed,

I can no longer contain this stain of blame that won’t go away.

I am trying to walk on water, Dear God…

And now I set me feet on a stormy sea of uncertainty.

I may manage a step, maybe another,

But then I shudder when I see a wave of rebuke rises high

Threatening to crush me,

And I cringe and fall

And I sink into

Guilt

Denial

Depression

Self loathing

Addiction

Suicide…

I am sinking down into a vortex of doubt,

Paralyzed by fear…

I am drowning, Dear God,

And now I can’t breathe…

They say your life flashes before your eyes

When you are about to die…

And I see it…

The lie…

The life I planned before I could understand my own truth,

This pious little life I tried to live,

Gone!

So God,

How do I hold on to faith, now, God?

How do I find courage?

How can I be a person of integrity

When no one will believe me

Even though I have finally told the truth?

I am sinking into the deep darkness, Dear God…

Into the cold, deep, dark,

Nothing left to hold…on…to…

Lord Save Me!

Miracles happen every day, I believe,

And now I can see how God has blessed me.

Like when God commanded the land to rise up
out of the waters of chaos,

God extended a hand towards me,

Saved me from drowning in my own sorrow,

Gave me hope for tomorrow,

With three simple words,

Be Not Afraid!

And then suddenly I gained buoyancy,

I began to rise…

I still cannot walk on water, Dear God…

But I am learning how to swim.

I’m treading water, Dear God,

Holding my head up, looking forward in faith,

And now I can see the mist evaporate in

The brilliant light of the Son.

And I got a glimpse of the promised land, Dear God…

A place of dignity and respect,

Equality and love…

But the waves keep coming, Dear God…

And I am learning how to go with the flow,

Riding them high and low,

And though, I may not always be able to see

The promise of eternity,

I can still breathe…

And that’s enough for me to know

I Am Still Alive

And, with your help, God,

I Will Survive!

Be Not Afraid